“It’s like pulling teeth,” said my friend.
“And why do you think it’s like that?” I asked.
For a couple of years, my friend, Matt, has a group that meets at his house to study the Bible. The members all go to the same church, where the leadership encourages her members to attend home groups. We talked about his group, and I was curious about how he conducts their meetings and their challenges.
“Well, for one thing, they all show up expecting me to do all the talking and teaching,” said Matt. “And on top of that, every week, I have to call and remind them not to forget to attend,” he continued. “As I said, it’s like pulling teeth.”
“How did you find these people?” I asked.
“The church assigned them to us. We live in the same area.”
“So, you didn’t know them before?”
“No, our church is too large. We rarely sit next to the same person on any Sunday.”
I have met many home group leaders who face the same frustrations with their groups. They conduct their meetings very much like a church service. The leader speaks, and the rest listen. They are supposed to lead a group of people they hardly know. The kind who might attend the meeting when they feel like it because their interest in studying the Bible may well change from week to week.
Like most church services, attendees do not expect to do much, so personal interactions are often superficial and limited. Even when allowed, many don’t voice their opinions because they don’t feel qualified. Sometimes, people are too intimidated to express their views lest other participants tell them they are wrong and judge them. Or even worse, they have never been challenged to think for themselves, so they are more comfortable staying quiet.
If any of the above rings true with you, let me offer you some solutions.
Even as a small Iranian church pastor who knew all his church members personally, I faced the same challenges 30 years ago. And while I was frustrated with our small groups, I continued to conduct them the same way,
- I talked, and they listened
- Continually chased people to attend
- They came as they pleased
- Low expectations from the attendees
- Superficial interactions
- And so on
The first question you need to ask yourself is, “Why am I doing this?”
Pastor or not, as long as you look at these small groups as programs to attract people so that the church will grow in numbers, you’re wrong. Yes, your group can grow, but this should never be your primary goal.
I base my reasons for having small group meetings on two directives in the Bible:
To make disciples out of trustworthy and reliable people. (Matthew 28:18-20 and 2 Tim. 2:2)
Twenty years ago, my wife and I started having small group meetings at our house (and for the past year via Zoom) using the following criteria:
- We invite the people. Our meetings are NOT open to all. And just as Jesus did in choosing the Twelve, we decide whom to invite through much prayer.
Years ago, I ran into an old friend. We used to attend church together. After a brief pleasantry, he wanted to know what was going on in my life. I told him about our house group, to which he responded, “I’m going to check it out one of these days.” To which I replied, “No, you’re not invited.” You may find this harsh, but I do this because:
- Our meetings are not for looky-loos. Everyone agrees to attend every week and not be absent without a cause. If they miss two sessions in a row for no reason, we asked them to stop coming very lovingly. I have my reasons for doing this also.
- We expect everyone to come to the meetings prepared to participate and interact with others. This is not a meeting where only the leader speaks, and the rest listen.
- Eventually, we ask every member to facilitate a meeting when it is their turn. If taught correctly, every member of the group will become a leader.
Every Wednesday on Zoom, I meet with six people from four different states. These are incredibly mature Christians who’ve been missionaries and pastors for many years. This Wednesday, reflecting on my above conversation with Matt, I asked the group the following question, “Why is this meeting different?” These are the responses I got:
- Trust. We trust each other, which allows us to be ourselves, vulnerable, and share freely with one another.
- Consistency in meeting faithfully with each other creates trust. For over a year, the same group of people has been meeting together every Wednesday for ninety minutes. The participation has not been out of obligation but out of faithfulness and desire.
- It is almost impossible to establish a sense of trust and openness with people you hardly know. That is why regular attendance is of utmost necessity for a fruitful small group. And to establish such a group, it is essential, as Paul says, to find trustworthy or reliable people and meet with them.
- Getting past the preconceived ideas. Too often in Christian culture, we’re expected to believe certain things and do things in specific ways. A majority of Christian meetings are about learning what’s right and what it means to be a Christian. This leaves little room for honest discussions and to share what’s going on in our lives. In our meetings, we are past those preconceived ideas. We’ve created a place where we can question, explore, and share. We may not always agree, but we respect one another and our different points of view. We value the worth of each other and respect what each person has been through.
- Expecting to learn from each other. We come with the understanding that every person’s opinion is valid. It is incredible what we can learn from others when they can freely share their thoughts with us. Are you aware that we all read books, even the Bible, through our prisms of life experiences? That is why listening to the way others interpret a sentence can be incredibly enriching. That is why in our meetings, we encourage and expect everyone to participate and share their stories, so we can all learn from each other.
So far, I’ve talked about how we conduct our small group meetings, but I have not said anything about what we do at our meetings. In my next blog, I will talk about what we do at our meetings.
hi
number 3 is exactly what i was saying today. i learn so much from each one’s perspective.
i also think that our group is so effective because we come from different cultural experiences and yet all know the american one as well. that aids us in recognizing what we would not see otherwise so i am extra grateful for our mixture. i first agreed to join the group because you-a person who did not typically think as an american- would be leading it because i needed to go beyond our cultural limitations. living so many years overseas made me realize how american my christianity was thus making me seek beyond those borders. never did i imagine the ‘deeper’ borders i would be reaching beyond. thank you!
another criteria might be that we are ‘encouraged’ to practice at home and pray for one another throughout the week so that the weekly meeting is not ‘bound’ to the limitation of going once a week and being done as we tend to do with an american sunday church service.
Thank you, Lee, for your comments. I should have added your last paragraph to the blog too, but I didn’t. I’ll make room for it on my next blog 😉
Discipling should not be difficult but because as Christians, we have a tendency to view our Christian lives as events or activities, rather than being a Christian is our identity, how we live, think and interact. That is true in other parts of the world that we have contact with. If being a believer in Jesus is our identity, then discipleship flows out of who we are, not what we do or the activities we are involved in. Discipleship is as Jesus did when the Word says He spent with with His disciples, He got “under their skin”. He got into their lives and challenged them to have their identity become Jesus followers and living just like Jesus would.
My best times being discipled have been where the passage we would be discussing or however the conversation would come up, the the person discipling me would share what that passage or the leading of the Holy Spirit was doing in him. The Word became real to me as I saw how the passage or truth was affecting another person. Then that gave me the opportunity to wrestle through it in my own life. These interactions would take longer than the one to two hours a week or whatever time factor, the discipler and I physically connected.
Mike, so good to hear from you.
To be a disciple, one needs to have discipline and desire, and in a culture that constantly demands to be entertained, this is not an easy expectation. If you didn’t have the discipline and the desire, I don’t think you would have been trainable. I personally look to disciple people who desire to go deeper in their walk with Jesus. I believe that’s what Paul had in mind in his admonition to Timothy.
I completely agree with you. Discipleship has to do with watching your mentor in action. In many circles, discipleship is all about gathering information. In these circles, a good disciple is one who passes the tests he is given on the information he’s gathered. A teacher will not get to know his students if he/she is the one who’s doing all the talking. To get under someone’s skin, as you put it, you have to know them and that can only happen with a two-way conversation.
Ok so I appreciate the high standard but can’t a inconsistent, absent minded, late for dinner guy like me attend sometimes when I feel like it? Come on… just send me the link! 😉
Dave, it’s one thing to be absent-minded, but it’s another to consciously and continuously be undisciplined 😉